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Written about nothing, listening to Notwist

this is me standing
and you are watching, waiting for me to make a move
my hands slowly get to work
mending and bending
and piecing you back together

my baby was such a perfect portrait
of integrity and devotion
and here,
my popsicle stick towers fall
my poor old castle wall

you slide right down my throat
and to my lungs
without wince or twitch
a single loosened stitch
and i wait for action
please baby, please just put me away

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Anxitey, or, Cheap Whiskey

when i wake up tomorrow
in the morning it will all come back to me
this sick feeling
this whiskey gut
somebody please kill me

i make predictions
i lay foundations

and you tear them all down
i want to breathe underwater
i want to bleed out nickels and dimes
this is my life
and there is no reason left
i cant be myself in here

sweet sweet maker
you have given me the reason
integrity
to do what i wish
but i waste it all away
i should be out on the ocean
on the shore
laying and soaking up the sun for you
i should be testing my fate for you
i should be doing so much more with my life
but i fall into a trap
and my heart
beats out of my silly little chest
for no good reason
my words tap tap tap
from my fingers for no good reason

somebody take me away
guardian angel take me away
and let me breathe underwater

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Piles of fallen leaves.

last night
i saw the cannonball
spill across the field
and i felt at ease
my baby keeps me up all night
and i am trying to breathe
alone
but the fireworks
and the newspapers all tell of tomorrow
so what can i do
and where can i go
when nothing is like it needs to be?

i complete my puzzle alone
and helpless
i ask for forgiveness

where are you now god?
tapping on my shoulder
i know,
i can feel you
but who's shoulder is it?
god,

are you alone?






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Fetish. (A story)

We were in the kitchen drinking. And as i was standing there in front of her, watching her lips move this way and that about something or another. My eyes couldn't help but wander to the rack of kitchen knives on the wall just behind her. I couldn't help but divert my attention to the blades. All of them standing straight and pointing to the ceiling. All of them recently sharpened (as i take great care of my kitchen knives). Every single one shining and calling me.

My mind wandered away for a moment. I entered the dreamscape of my consciousness.


I was looking at all the blades, inspecting them for blemishes. I was taking down each one. And she is tied in a chair. She is tied over a chair. No, wait, she is tied to the table. Spread out and screaming. Completely naked, her arms and her legs all tied separately each one secured to each individual table leg. The table moves to the center of the room and i stand straight, still inspecting the knives. Still looking for imperfections. Looking for rust spots. Looking for nicks or dings. Holding each knife, blade facing the light, looking down each shaft for dull spots. You can always tell a dull knife this way, when a bit of the blade reflects light. Dull knives are dangerous. Dull knives are the most dangerous knives of all; they trick your mind into thinking they are safe. They appear harmless until the pressure is increased and your skin gives way. Everybody handles sharp knives with care and respect. Nobody respects a dull knife and it is for this reason that they are most dangerous.

Ah ha! This one. I chose a medium-sized chefs knife. This knife will be perfect. I take a step toward the table, where she is tied. Tears have fallen down each side of her face and are now soaking the few strands of hair that have become stuck to the table. Her eyes are red and she looks at me. Breathing and panting hysterically she asks what i am about to do.

"I have chosen a medium-sized chefs knife. It's blade approximately five to six inches in length. The knife itself is about ten inches long. It seems to be the sharpest, most practical knife for this use. Did you know that dull knives are more dangerous than sharp ones? Everybody treats a sharp knife with care and respect. Why didn't you ever treat me with care and respect? Why did you never care? All i wanted was for you to love me back. All i wanted was a little appreciation." I take another step.

She asks again, what.

I look down on the table at the miles and miles of perfect pink flesh. I think to myself what i would do to her if i was in the mood. How i would love to get on the table and force myself into her dry pussy. How i would love to hear her scream and watch her tears while i entered her. How i would pull out and slap her ass. I would slap her beautiful breast. How i would get off of the table and spit on her pink and swollen labia. I would undo her feet from the table and tie her ankles together. Getting back on the table i would grab the bundle of rope that was her ankles and hold it to my left side as, again i would thrust myself into her. I would tell her that i was going to kill her after this. I would tell her that there is no way i could let her live after i had raped her as she would just open up her mouth and cry to her mother and i would be sent to jail. I would tell her that i was going to cut up her body and bury it in my basement. I would tell her that her body would never be found. All the while i would be forcing myself in and out of her pussy. I'd tell her that i want her to hurt. I'd tell her that this is about me, this is about my childhood. This is about me not being able to cope with my childhood molestation. This is about my utter disrespect for women, this is about life and death. Before i came, I would pull out of her pussy and force my glistening dick into her asshole. I would listen to her scream and i would come as i shove myself deeper and deeper into her tight, dry asshole. That is, If i were in the mood. "I am going to cut you free" I say.

The girl looks confused, she looks distraught and let down. Her eyes don't light up as i thought they would. Her muscles don't relax as i had figured. She doesn't seem to understand. She almost seems let down at the thought of escape.

" i thought that you were going to rape me" She says "i thought you were going to force yourself into my dry pussy, pull out and spit on it, slap my ass and my tits, tie my ankles together and fuck me while i cried. I thought you were going to tell me that you were going to kill me and bury me in your basement. I figured that before you came you would pull out and shove your hard dick into my dry asshole, coming as i screamed and cried."

"i thought about that" I said.


Her lips are still moving and words are drooling out of her mouth. Thoughts are cluttered and shuffled around her her head. They are assembled, in no particular order, then spoken. But, my god she is beautiful.

My eyes wander to her chest, moving steadily in and out from breathing. Shuttering and waving from speaking. Her breasts must sit perfectly in her bra. They must be remarkably comfortable, being so warm, so fluid and oh so close to her heart. Her shape is perfect, five foot seven and curves like a sports car. I can't help myself. I take a step in closer for a kiss. She accepts and returns with confidence. Our tongues play games in each other's mouths and her teeth hang from my bottom lip.

She takes a step back and leans against the wall, pulling me towards her. This is vertical dry sex. And i look up. I look up to see the rack of knives and my daydream flashes through my head. At that moment i was possessed, almost out of control of my own body. My mood and fetish takes over. I am ruled by lust and governed by sexuality. I watch as my hand slips up to the knife rack. My hand grabs the medium-sized kitchen knife. All the while i am kissing her. My arm brings my hand, full of knife, down to her throat and she stops for a second. Her mouth closes and her lips tighten.

Not a word is said.

I can almost her her thinking.

With a cold knife resting on her neck and a warm body forced against her, she is contemplating. Life is flashing before her eyes, death is entering her thoughts and i swear she saw my dreamscape. I could almost see the blood rush from her face and find its way to her toes. Her stomach follows, and a decision is made.

Her head, flat against the wall directly under the knife rack, does not flinch. Her hands make their descent to my belt and get to work. Once there, with a little shuffle and manipulation, they take down my pants.

"Did you know that dull knives are the most dangerous?" She asks. There is a pause, a moment of understanding, a moment of care and respect. "Rape me"

I comply.

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Cassanova.

She still reads every single word i write
and rips pages from my notebook
they're all for her anyway
out on the dancefloor shaking and slipping on spilled drinks
she wrestles in my arms
we are underwater
fighting in slow motion

her movements
and her thoughts
all captured in the time it takes for a strobe light to flash
and in my memory
i remember pictures
and clips and moments
nothing is fluid
and we are fighting underwater
hidden under pool covers

she is everything
and sliding to the bedroom
slipping to the slumber
we breathe
and we're under

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"Vampyres, Jack. Vampyres!"

backwards and turning around
the vampire wakes from his slumber
and crawling from under
the goldmine he flies away
ruining all of your good intentions
perfection is all too easy to do
if only you could open up your eyes
and lift the lashes from your glasses
i am standing right in front of you
with a hammer and a nail
waiting for impale
take me please
and lift me away

the rivers and streams
do float through my dreams
the sun and the moons
the hawk and the freight train

this music doesn't stop
and it can't help anything
when the mimes take over our minds
and the reasons you made to tell yourself
are all screaming in your head

tipping back your head and drinking your blood
we gather around
and close our eyes
we will sleep tonight with measure
we will fuck tonight with pleasure
and the cells float down our throats
down to our guts
when we tear you apart
and teach you a lesson, teach you to regret
your actions
swinging away out in outer space
what a beautiful place
jack says goodbye
and gives you a wave

Dancing days are here

i can't stop stumbling through life
like it's the scenery fucking everything up
the colors are changing and i can see the future
slowly unfolding its wings
i step out and breathe
i step out and close my eyes
take a drink and jump

this is my nightmare
this is reality and it's not worth much
all my senses awake
with the scent of you and everything you bring to the table
my steps are lightened
and my hands are stained from the ugly truth
blood red from my innocence

living gets you down
but death
even in your sleep
is just failure
and giving up is all too hard to do
so i stumble through my life
waiting for the giver, taker, maker
to set me free
and do my dirty work

Nothing ever happens.

he is always telling the truth
and you are never listening
leading cohesive and transparent lives
your medicine is working
choke down another pill and chase it with regret
does life always head this way,
in my direction?
panic
panic
panic sets in
and the night closes in around me
the alcohol seeps through my veins
and slowly my eyes close
it's tearing my heart out
and my skin is closing in
covering the gaps, you forget it all

i am across the hall and sleeping
she is alone in bed
and with one eye open i see her
waving arms and crying
she calls me in with what little voice she has left
and i enter
Amy, is this how it is supposed to end
does dying make living life easier?
Amy, your relatives are waiting
and your angel has come

to the lawn i struggle
lifting one leg at a time
this is love, this pain
and each second passing is marked by
a realization

we hold our hands and pray
by now, it's too late
losing life is easy
appreciation
is the hardest part

so he steals her pills
and retreats to his room
where shutting off his mind
is as simple as a nightcap

Maverick (Hey fuckers, it rhymes!)

Somewhere down in the heart of America
Nashville shines with the prints of your fingers
the scent of a sweet night lingers
and sticks to your hair

down in the deep down south
where the rivers run like cannonballs
we touch, hold hands in waterfalls
while the fireflies light the way

this is heat of the west
stuck inside, in caves and places
carved by wind carving faces
Montana takes a picture

like the moonlight on the ocean
glitters at each crest of wave

like the prairie wind stops in
just to say goodnight

there goes our care
over mountains, lakes and cloud
shouting, screaming loud
we close our eyes on America

Milliseconds on the 112

it has only been minutes
and the hour hand in my head is spinning away
i can feel the car driving down the road
and i can hear the conversation
drifting and fighting with the music
my poor heart is baptized and drenched in wine
and her dress catches the wind
like a bird on a wire
you don't even need to open your mouth
i know exactly what you think
and it's worse than i can ever imagine
i am all alone and waiting while the night grows cold

Beached

i am useless
and my stomach is about to explode
i feel sadly alone
my skin is turning blue
and my head races with thoughts
that i would never be able to write
i am making myself feel this way
to prove a point

god damn
somebody help me
drop me a line
hook and sinker
i want to float away
and wash up

Big fish

the world is slipping through my fingers
and without holding on too tight
i am having an anxiety attack
i am losing all my friends
and everything i do just leaves me wasted
waiting for the next day to come and go
slowly sucking me dry

i hold my head to the phone
and my neck to the cord
waiting for the call
and i know that sometime soon
the stress will build up and collapse will come
when my heart is beating just to catch up with my worried mind
all my nerves are twitching, every muscle tightens
the contraption floats around my skull
like the cannibal child waiting for his next meal

if you ever woke up
and the fear made you open up your eyes
and grab your chest
it was me
watching you sleep
it was me
hovering a foot below your bed frame
waiting and debating
when the night brings the chills
and the sweat shines on your skin
open up your arms

far beyond the ocean
to the rivers to the stream
i am the child by the water
dropping my line and singing