The world we live in has no rules. The only rules it has are the ones which we assign to it. We do not know anything. The only thing we know is that we (I) exist (in one form or another). I am sorry, but I do not want to talk to you about Wayne Gretzky or the French revolution, or bovine leukemia, because those things don't matter. The only thing that matters is............Oh fuck!, Wait. Nothing matters you son of a bitch....... Fucking idiotic. Fucking stupid. fuck fuck fuck fuck
You just go right ahead andbelieve in your fucking god. You go right ahead and believe in your life your children, your future, your afterlife.
and I will go on and tell you the truth even if you don't want to fucking hear it I don't care
fuck you!
you are a useless piece of meaningless bullshit you crowd the earth you fuck my planet
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" A. Einstein.
Sometimes, when the doors open to the future you can't help but attempt to slam them shut back shut
the life that you lead or at least the one you wear on your sleeve is just a cover up concealing all the gears turning turning turning turning you get the picture... turning inside your cloudy mind
What are we here to find? What keeps us coming back for more? What satisfaction do you receive?
Where does your mind take you when your eyes shut and you wander off to thought? Does it take you forward and out and beyond? Does it take you somewhere else? Does it take you to the future? Or, does it simply race and race and race, covering the same old hurdles you find yourself jumping day after day?
when the night bleeds on in and you become what you really are Do you stay in the same place?
open up the doors and walk out to reality..... you will never find it if you keep looking in the same place.
when the world subsides and the only thing left is your mind when the sun cuts out and the stars give up all you have is your mind what is there left to find or find out? but without the clouds and all the stress without the love the fucking mess without impress your guest is only your mind
stepping off the ledge you feel that only your eyes escape your head your thought just stays and wastes away instead
inside, outside you cant keep pushing me away you cant keep holding yourself back stuck stuck fuck stuck here on earth
the only bad decision you ever made was not to believe me and now your stuck holding your guts from falling to the floor and now your stuck with all your strength piecing yourself together
just like the rest of them
inside, outside you cant keep pushing me away you cant keep holding yourself back stuck stuck fuck stuck here on earth
Things that I do not believe in. In one way or another. (A list(In no particular order))
money (only leads to stress) punching/fighting (only proves who is stronger, not who is righter) military (see above) adhd/add (we all have that shit, get over it) cigarette/nicotine addiction (it's not that hard to quit, you pussy) caffeine addiction (see above) otcmeds (40-60% of efficacy is controlled by your mind) top 40 music (Okay, I liked it when I was twelve. Keep it that way) clubs ("I have an idea, how about we get a bunch of douchebags and sluts together and blast top 40!") politicians (what child says "When I grow up I would like to be mildly famous and corrupt as shit."?) sleep (what a waste of life) street signs (the only required street sign would read "Do Not Crash In To Stuff") crowds (one word "sheep") guns (hello downfall of just about everything) benefit dinners (just donate the fucking money, don't be a douche about it) taxes (this could get complicated, so I'll say some taxes) unionized labor (do you really want $30 an hour plus benefits and vacation just for operating a fucking screwdriver?) god/religion/witches/spirits/and the like (explanations for the unexplainable ... Hey, there's a reason it's called "unexplainable")
Don't look back, you can never learn from the past; it already made you who you are. Instead, look ahead.
out on the balcony you sang me a love song you wrote me a poem and drank your martini
out on the back porch you played me piano you danced to the rhythm and told me a story
out in the night you swept off the sidewalk you wrote of the right talk and told me the truth
across the open we sang songs of truth and love and sorrow we took each other down to our bones to our nerves to our marrow and when we did cross the light and the clouds they did form a picture of us with the heavens below
you caught me damn it running in circles again and again i thought i was your friend at first i thought the worst was over i thought myself as sober but really i was none of the sort
so, where did we go? to Bannefield? to where the birds all gather and the grass grows green? I found us and life will find us stretched out across the lawn shadowed by magnolias and gravestones
i will never be able to look at you again
to the town we walked with bread and water and thoughts of our daughter
riding my bike home i passed the stop where you used to live i passed the road where we used to meet and i passed the street where we held hands and kept our feet walking the pavement right afraid of what people would think
i grabbed your head you grabbed my skull you wrote me in i drew you well and all the time i couldn't think was just time for your hands to slip down to my own and alone alone no longer alone
I came to you and your wildfire heart deep in the colorful night we were all there all lost in sight
we wont all be like this forever the snow will come and cover up the forest floor the light will come and fight the night for sure every move you make will be recorded just as the next over and over with loss and regret until, eventually you forget
I swallow these pills with heartache and bad luck and some days most days i just don't give a fuck
it was birth that brought me here to you not some divine act of fate it was simply an act of life which made me
and i am not too proud to admit that crawling back home has made me more humble than ever
it took everything from me the day when i loosened my grip i let you slide to the wayside and watched you slip far and farther the distance grew hard and harder our beating hearts lost their rhythm
our senses can't perceive half as much as our minds and its time the time to come to our heads and leave our senses behind
I was standing at the water slide. I was watching all the people slide down, as such, as they do. I was thinking to myself how nice it would be to not have those people there. I had an ice cream cone.
*****
The instructor at Pike's Place had always told me stories of what it was like growing up in Russia. Her name was Vaskatora Gerbogev or Gerbachech or something like that. She had an overbite. I remember thinking to myself how stupid she was, and how funny-sounding her accent was. She always had problems pronouncing words that started with "D". I don't know if it was because she was from Russia, or if she was just retarded. The latter would make more sense. Who funded that place anyway? It was probably just a mental institution and a functioning foster home at the same time..... Figures.
*****
I never paid much attention to detail, never have. But, today was much different. It was like Sunday or something. I like to cook on Sundays.
Don't tell me that you've done it again and don't come to me for help just because you can't say a word and you can't even breathe without a hand holding open your mouth
come here let me show you the truth let me tell you what it's like to feel everything happening all at once to feel the sun rise and fall in the same heartbeat come to me and take my lonely hand take my head and pull me take me with you
it, strangely feels just the same as always it, strangely feels like i'm losing it all and gaining it all at once i can hear my own breath and the blood flowing through my veins i can almost hear my thoughts creating, recreating themselves and coordinating all their efforts
we're so intelligent that we made what made us useless, that is, natural selection
instead, we want and wait for love we want to be something more over and over again truth being
and i know the truth as you say
our useless time here is spent as that and our love that we create lives out our lives in our place
From the greenery we sat and waited from my high tower, contemplated in the evening light till morning came we kept our bodies right and true we kept our clothes all nice and new we slept in orange groves in countryside waved our banners to the naked eye and in the night, every night you can almost hear us laughing gallivanting the cool all the cool the cool, cool and restless summer nights away
You live miles and worlds away While we leave each other alone And lonely High and dry Dreaming, becoming whole
I wish I could strip you right down Deep To your insides And let your clothes fall down Down Down Down Down and back up Along with your cover up
You were and always will Be my vice Leave me alone I will always be Tugging at your shoestrings
As we hold hands And view One another Through foot thick glass Our eyes connect Through deep and dark and blue Full of life and future We are headed to The future I am ready
I was listening to my headphones and falling asleep. She came to me, dreamlike, in the depth of the night. My sleepy eyes opened to see her crouched over me. Her arms were dug in the thin mattress on both my sides.
I wasn't surprised. I knew that I had worked a little game, earlier, at dinner. I played coy and interesting.... irresistible. She took the bait. Smart girls always took the bait. Even Russian smart girls as luck would have it. As fate would have it. So I thought.
She slowly pulled the headphones from my ears. They bounced on the pillow, still screaming artistic emotion and disturbance. She leaned in close, to what I thought was kiss, and held me tight. She wrapped her skinny arms around my heavy, sleepy body and let her weight fall on my chest.
"Something terribly wrong has happened, and we don't know what." With a soft, frightened curl. "I think that the world is ending, I think that we are going to die, I think that we are going to die......" Her voice trailed off into a soft weep.
"Shit, I thought you were coming to fuck me. Now you're telling me that the world is ending? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? Do you do this to every guest? Is this the prank you pull on everybody? Lame." I roll over "Fuck it then, you'll get no reaction from me. I might look like a dumb ass."
"No, really, get up.... Now."
"Look, if you aren't gonna suck my dick then get out and let me sleep"
Surprisingly enough, she complied and walked out the door.
"World ending? Suck my dick." I whisper to myself as sleep returns.
*********
My IQ was well above average.
********* Excerpt: "The green on the trees was such a contrast to the giant, phallic, pompous rocket. The grass crunched under my feet as I paced around the hotel courtyard. The weather was perfect. I was in good physical condition. I felt honored to partake in such an interesting invention of man. I felt more alive while leaving earth than I ever did roaming it's lame-ass surface."
*********
It was about six A.M. and the "flight" was scheduled for 10. About 10. I hadn't slept a wink. Actually, at the very least, I was at the bar until about three A.M. Talking to a hooker (as it were).
and you watched your life vanish before your eyes you watched everything fade away and dissipate as it slowly flowed and devoured all of your time and answers
I was lost and wearing your makeup i was walking pacing circles inside your room looking for a way out but, luckily it didn't come
you opened the door, wide and you walked inside smoking a cigarette loudly and filled the entire room with 1950's smoke from the french new wave
we laughed and cuddled and coddled our insecurities until you just couldn't take it anymore until you had to escape
so you did in a cab for want of a trunk
i followed
the country flew by and by grayscale,greens and reds and the grayscale, brown of the fence line that raced along side the dirt roads that carved away from town surely, your heart would have changed surely, your mind would have changed your heart in the backseat from the open window blowing hair and smoke from the cigarettes, endless in your fingertips
where we ended was not of importance where we headed meant nothing all the reader needs to understand is what you looked like
crawling from the wreck in a grayscale, yellow dress again, from the 1950's french new wave your blond hair blowing in the open country air lashing at your cheeks over and over and over
the taxi stopped and i scooped up my camera from the lens i watched you drop to your knees and look back over your shoulder at the open trunk while death tightened its irreparable grip on your heart
and your fingers, still smoking (click, click, click) face down in the grayscale, brown mud from the 1950's french new wave
I just realized that I spent a lot of my life staring out the window and looking at the stars twinkling wondering "what is the meaning of it all?" over and over again but when I found out that there is no meaning I realized that I had spent countless hours attempting to explain something that is beyond explanation or attempting to describe for weeks
something that could have been said in just two words
