you are having a nervous breakdown
remember to breathe
breathing helps
pills don't
you are waking up to reality
and opening your third eye
your sixth sense
escape your mind, escape your body
escape your pathetic human thoughts
escape the line of humanity
and breathe
now breathe
now blink
-
nothing ever happens
everything you say and do is recorded and played back to you in the afterlife
over and over and over
the loop of life
you cannot escape
did you enjoy your time
here in this life?
will you enjoy it again?
how would you change it?
-
the words in this sentence stream together like the thoughts dancing through my skull as i change subjects and ramble on just to entertain myself like i cover the whole damn page with words and thoughts of worlds without sleep and a barely attainable future that is crossing your T's and dotting your eyes a little known science called adding punctuation and procreation as i sit and wait emanating thought and productivity i hope my legs give out and forced to my knees i relax and write a little more about nothing and speak of nothing and hidden in a trance i am lost without inspiration with writer's cramp and a broken finger.
-
you are falling asleep
with little hopes of waking up
you are breathing without will
your eyelids flutter with thoughts and paragraphs
and i am watching
silent
as your teeth are falling out
as you step to the edge and float away
back in school
back in your childhood
i see your fingers twitching
and you are writing this all down
-

I am getting annoyed with myself
I am not depressed
or even unhappy

I am uninspired
I am useless
I cannot write for the life of me
So, please excuse any shit poetry that
has appeared, or may appear
in the near future.

your worst mare of night
in its living flesh
have you said all of your goodbyes?
he is cutting at your skin
and ripping at your chest
for a moment you watch
and soon, he reaches in
tearing out your heart

holding it up to the sun
the great god of harvest and fruit
the god of light
the giver of the day

this is not nearly your nightmare
not nearly your greatest fear
actually, you see the point
the purpose
your thoughts drift away to the heavens
and the sun god is pleased
your family mourns
but soon
the flowers bloom
and the trees come back to life.

I started writing this the other night when i was drunk; i finished writing this morning hungover. I don't like it very much.

she sat in the back of my car
overheating
and singing counting crows
singing to jump off buildings
and she would like to take another shot

the graveyard is thirty feet over
and we wait to walk as the traffic slows
i bought the beer with a fake id
and the bars and shops closed

we sit alone
surrounded by bamboo stalks
and gravestones
in a corner completely shadowed from the moon
covered by a thin layer of midnight fog
staring into each other's eyes
and speaking of her past
i didn't care

how did i miss the point?
why have i come here tonight?
i should be the one talking
about my rehab
and my ex boyfriends
and my mother, what a slut
i should be the one
yet
i sit
i listen

caring isn't really a word
it isn't really in any dictionary
it is just in your head
coming from me i do not care
coming from your friends
they do not care

caring is felt in your mind
it is opening up
it is looking into somebody's eyes
and having them look back
even if they could give a shit

"behind the boat house"
don't slip
you'll only trip and fall
truth never was easy for me
but she knows that
i didn't mean anything by it, "my angel"

vampire girl
"dark hair"
and all i see is midnight black
creatures in the hills
open up their eyes
just to frighten me
they aren't looking

a neighbor's porch light
senses motion
and flips a switch
i am giving it all i have and running
i should do this more often
this exercise
now, when i need it the most
my smoker's lung is killing me
before i meet my maker

these shoes sure weren't made for running
and my hair sits on the ground ten steps behind
she kisses my chin
and wraps her tiny arms around my chest
broken and heavy
still fluttering from the oxygen

looking into my eyes,
she tells me it only hurts at first
soon, i will hold her hand forever
"i will treat you well"
and breathing won't be a burden.

There is nothing keeping me here
and the light from the whole damn situation is fading out
i am turning around to watch the moon float away
i am looking down to see the earth drown in all its sweat
i am stepping left
then right
and all that i can really see happening
is a nervous twitch
and a loosened stitch
my mother made me these

from Janet's perspective
Bob is moving by
and from Bob's
Janet is leaving

relativity and reading books
i focus
and unfocus
i breathe
and unbreathe

i must be dehydrated
my eyes keep wandering
as do my thoughts
and i can't talk to myself
not anymore
other than "shit" "fuck" "i am fucking wasted"
nobody gets it
and i cannot keep a secret for the life of me

i look west
and the sun sets just like always
and the kings and queens alike
all chase the golden chariot across the sky
here, the summer solstice
just doesn't seem the same
and here i am, floating down a river
a cool stream
slowly drowning the earth.

I've taken to walking everywhere i go
these shoes were made for trotting around
but theres not enough gravity
as i float above the earth
somebody hold me down
this is taking too much out of me

pacing the floor
and walking to the door
its just not the same
as i float above the earth

the feeling is not here
i am stepping under the railroad tracks
to an all girls school
and i swear somebody was raped here before
i think again...
this place is full of lesbians
maybe not...
maybe lesbian rape..
yea, lesbian rape
but it's all the same

pictures on the walls depict
scenes of schools and courtyards
towers and castles

the night curls around me
as i walk with her
hidden in plain sight
she's high off pills
and setting things on fire
we speak of writing
and we chat about her parents
i really don't want to listen
and honesty, i'd rather be somewhere else
but there's nobody better

in walks silence
and out walks my shoes
all footsteps with nothing to lose
there's just not enough gravity here
to hold me down
Dear Newton,
take me away
i am going insane.

She used to cut herself and cry about it
and now she still does
she takes of her clothes right in front of me
as the steam rises from my skin
throws me a towel and opens the door
I look like a god
and she is curled in a ball
drunk from the porch swing
and red wine

crawling into bed with her
I wonder why I stayed
The Counting Crows spring from the stereo
and breathing steadily
I look at her picture albums
a loving family and trips to the seaside
in Italy, in Rome
places I'd never go
I swear that I would cut myself
just to have the chance
to live the life she does; and still she cries
holds on to me like I am running away
like I am drifting off to sea
without her

but really, I am
as she crawls on top of me and kisses my neck
I crawl out from under
as I touch her thighs, scarred and discolored
she always wore a skirt
she always kissed my neck

so, I left her summer house
without many words
just thoughts and a red wine headache
if I stayed I would have only hurt her more, I am sure
and caused more pain
and made my own scar

to the car I drive, and the traffic on 78 has slowed to a halt
construction barrels line the highway
to the home I sleep
without a thought of her
until now
I wonder if she is gone
finally gone away to meet her maker
and erase her scars.

When you find the meaning of life
what do you do with it?
Nobody will believe you.
And even further, will you believe yourself?
The world is not spinning
we are spinning around it.
The water is not wet
the sun is not bright
and the leaves don't fall from the trees.

My hurricane heart trembles and shakes
on the surface
the beating and rushing of blood
permeates my flesh
as I shut up and enter storm doors
the night light is pale
like summer ale
drinking itself to sleep
with pills and fills it glass
my nerves work together
not in sentences, but circles
tracing touches back to fingers
bringing pain back to surface
the light and heat and pinprick principles
turn around and take their ground
itching as I fall asleep
sleeping as I wake
and puking from the red wine

Faster
faster
cheaper and again
America cries without warning
here and now we all seek a future
in a haven of dust
in a sky filled with particles and icicles
airplanes and flying saucers

like I said, my heart shakes
and my muscles weaken
I remember the youth I had
and it takes away from who I am
standing straight tilting head back to the ground
eyes to the clouds
and ears to the sound
I fall over and laugh
as the quicksand grabs my shoes
I rest my arms and relax

The lungs of London breathe me in
and every biology course i took
is memorizing me as i float through your bloodstream
the exhale is eventual
and definitely all the same
as the night turns out and the streetlights turn you on
all photoelectric
the speed of light
and relativity fill my head
and i am making films
a montage

the city wakes up at about this time
and i flip her picture over
just to see what i should have worn
there's a candle in every window
and a pilot in every rocking chair
my shoes tap the blues
on the street reading the news
the crows above flutter and shake
when i step and take my time
here is your pigeon-toed
here is your penguin foot
and your bobsled run

slipping through your fingertips
like a glass of wine
pulling on your nerves
hanging from your veins
the city takes a drink
and falls asleep at the sink
dripping without pleasure
no,
not anymore
sinking and worthless
pale and barely alive

I love Google!

Elliot Smith erupts from my stereo
like the dead and gone songwriter that he was
slipping a blade into his side
to cut away his life
and we all listen up when surfing the Internet

she said that i write much better
when things are all fucked up
and she said that tomorrow will come with ease and peace
although she is captured in another's arms
and when i cant sleep
when you cant close your eyes
we all do the same thing

look up to the stars and dream
to ourselves
dream to our future
and wonder where
when
why
and what has happened all these years
if we only had more money
everything would be easier
and everything would just fall into place
with out much work at all

there are no finance problems
and your first apartment is just a little baby step
and your first car is just a unicycle
leading you to future wealth
because when you have so much money
as she does
things just make more sense
and its easy to think about yourself
you cant help but to gain money
when you have enough

while i still sit alone
still i sit alone
while i cant sleep
looking to the same stars
looking to the same sky as everybody else
Bill Murray is screaming on the television
and i write the night away

with noodles and a beer
with wine and without fear
it's use is senseless
and it sense is useless
we watched foreign films and passed out in each other's arms
until we slept and woke up
to sirens
calling all to wake
she tells me of her insecurities
but only with her eyes
because her lips don't move

i really cant help swinging her way
all these days take so much out of me
and all i really want to do is sit down
and write something
and read something
and drink something while i am at it

although, it all adds up the same
these nights
when a fallen figure
finally fades away
you cant help but to imagine
what
and why
and where

Midnight ticks
while the second hand sticks
sleeping soundly without a noise
the creatures crawl from your closet to your bed
and dreams of future and fortune
drift about your head
instead
the clock strikes two and an hour gone
daylight saving has begun
fluttering away like the cold winter days
the creatures of the night scatter to their homes
as they have aged an hour in only one second
one human heartbeat
and the spider passes on, growing older
and it's day
it's year
and it's hour
just a thought in your mind
a neuron fire and a space-time lapse
now, without question you open your eyes
and the sun, as always
is awake shining in on your bedspread
and tapping your chin.

You walked off the porch
with a stride
I know only you can carry
and you didn't look back
good, I guess
it would have been awkward
when you turned around
to find me watching you
and daydreaming

I sent you off to work
and I sent you off to groceries
to pick up the bread

and without walking out of my life
you straight up walked
away
in my daydream it was nothing
I felt no shame
or remorse
and I couldn't help but appreciate
the fact
that you were coming back home

although, now
watching your footsteps make their own lovely way to the car
now
watching your beautiful blonde hair swing and sway in the morning breeze
I can't help but be afraid of losing you
and I can't help but feel all wound up inside
wound down

when my daydream becomes reality
when the beautiful blonde
walks back to me
and we kiss cheeks

-or-

You, beautiful, you
are sitting alone
and you are happy
waiting.............
I cannot help but appreciate you
I cannot help but think of you
beautiful sitting alone
patient
waiting
and you showed me true love
if only when we first met

This is where I lay
its late night
and I fall asleep
only to dream of you
only to dream of our love
not to come, but to be
never to arrive, but to live
you
and only you
to be us and only
where we will lay, hand in hand
as lovers do

I am walking down the sidewalk of a town you've never seen
its dark
and rainy
my legs are half asleep
and I am thinking of you
I am thinking of what we can be
hopefully
please let me dream

I saw you in a bar
and how was i impressed
how I was dreaming of our love

but, you have a boyfriend
I know
or a fiancée
I know
or a husband, I know
I know I could never fill
whatever void is in your soul
as you have filled mine
as I have filled my own.

so tonight I fall asleep
dreaming of you
and hoping for your love to fail
so I can have a taste
when you're ready
when you're voice settles down
and your love fades

I saw you last friday
you picked up your guitar
and sang the soul right from my shoes
you broke my heart and fixed it all in the same breath
with your eyes of fire ice and fate
you captured me
now I can't sleep

beautiful long dark hair
you stole my love
and I don't even know your name

now, maybe I am just in awe
maybe I am just like everybody else
you probably
most likely
do this to everybody.....
you travel bar to bar
and night to night
you steal the eyes of men
taking their souls

you're used to this, I know
you get it every night
but please baby please
give me back my soul
that you sang away
to the heavens.

Alright.
It has been a while now and I really only think that one person knows about my thing with 11:34.

Now you all will know. I just published my last post and when i looked at the time (conveniently located at the lower right of my computer screen) it was 11:34.

If you did not know 11:34, when read upside down spells the word HELL! And I always seem to catch the clock at that exact time. So much so that I have taken to wearing an analog watch. I don't know. I guess it's just creepy.

It's not the sleeping that's the hardest part
it's turning off my thoughts
when I am sick of making myself sick
and when I am dead tired
by tomorrow, when I wake up I hope to have changed
and my decisions never stick
my thoughts always wander
all I ever do these days is make excuses
you're cute
and I am useless
leave me
and pray for somebody else
I am sure that I am different
I don't need somebody to tell me
what I already know

when my actions flutter
like the thoughts in my head
and when my dreams become reality
nightmares
and night terrors
when the lock of sleep
turns into too much rest
and the extent of thoughts
turns into blissful ignorance
I keep on writing
never getting anywhere
never nothing
and the thoughts keep coming
nothing ever happens